scratching by.

"Morning came and I tried not to notice"

I woke up early today with the room still dark, mostly due to ruminations through my neurons and a little spider crawling deliberately along my skin. I biked up the hill home last night and was huffing and puffing, my knees aching, trying to make it up without having to stop. I certainly slowed and then got to the top hardly able to catch the breath that was running away from me.. and slid my way back down the other side wondering how people could do 90 miles without proper training. And then wondering how I could be so unself-reliant. I want to be okay just lying by myself in a dark room with only a spider as company and my little stuffed bunny rabbit. I listen to the radio and toss and turn a bit before unconsciousness sets in. Then it is restless with the thoughts of who I am supposed to be, impressing others and such. Also, how am I going to pay the bills and feed myself. I have been down on myself, for my lack of biking prowess and lack of a job. I function as someone teetering on the edge of this thin wall, sort of like humpty dumpty. K laughed at me for this. Then we ate onion rings and danced to a slow song on the jukebox in the local fast-food joint. They give little gold tokens there which can be taken and exchanged for free songs on the juke. I played 'great balls of fire' and she played a song that I don't know.. oh, and 'blueberry hill.'

Did I mention learning all about climate change this weekend? It was rather great but culminated in a sorta weird feeling of WTF? and a smattering of PTSD. You know how it goes.

"Since it's all I have I want to go to sleep. And dream of you and me just off the coast
On a holiday so long and warm and lucky. Always wake up in my bedroom all alone..."
- Tilly & The Wall